More poetry about my journey with Goddesses

Acceptance

One of the hardest thing in my is to accept

Accept that I may never be able to be a great famous painter artist fantasy artist

Accept what I can achieve

Accept that I do get better with practise and what make your fire within burn with passion is worth everything.

Accept that those feelings the release and euphoria

I feel when I do art is the true worth of my art

Not the world’s recognition, fame.

Passion

Art is my passion

To do art be creative is to live

Art is my release and escape

I need to escape

Escape from the cruel reality from this horrible world at times.

I honor her with my art my poetry my paintings

Art is also healing

Gettoing out all the old

Traumas the negatibvity pain suffering

Release the emotiona

Takwe a pen a brusgh and start doing it

Let the heaking begin

Cats

I live with my cats

The kitties are wonderful

Getting them stuff see them play

Pet them, play with them

Makes me feel good inside,

Less alone.

It makes me feel that I do matter

A reason to get up in the morning

I am needed and loved

And they are also a very effective anti-suicide beings

Cause no matter how deep I fall, how bad I feel

I could never take my life and abandonen them

Be what I dispise.

A looser who abandons their pets.

Never.

It is very painful to live at times

I cry and hold my kitties on the couch.

Try to write or paint something afterwards

My cats are my babies, my family.

I do have a mum and sister and few friends as well.

Although I love them and they me

They could handle it without me

Sometimes I feel that they all would be better off without me

I even feel that the goddess would be better off without me

That’s blasphemy because u don’t know what she feels and shouldn’t put the words in her mouth!

But I do know that she wouldn’t had chosen me.

If I wasn’t worthy

She knows my strife she knows what’s in my heart

Misfortune

The Goddess is my life and love

I love to do art and write poetry in her honour

I love to meditate to rituals to connect with her.

I wish I was better stronger healthier

So I could honour Her better.

But She choose me wanted me for a reason

So I should keep in mind that she is pleased

with my honest heartfelt actions.

I used to believe that The Gods would make my dreams come true

That I would be happy and successful

Such a fool I was

I am sure they had fun laughing at me

Stupid girl who thinks she will get anywhere in life

Stupid fool who thinks that she would get any kind of success

Any kind of happiness, no matter how hard she struggle.

At the same time I find it hard that The Goddesses I love so much

Whom I follow and are devoted too.

Would be so cruel and destroy everything for me.

Destroy my life.

I haven’t done anything to deserve that

or any other of the shit that happens in my life.

I need more spiritual discipline

I hate myself for admitting it

But I feel much better

When I meditate and do yoga 3 hours a day every day.

 I think it has something to do my anxiety issues.

 I need hours to relax my body soul and mind to function.

The first years I felt that The Goddess and God

were very strict and demanding.

I would never dare to disobey.

It was good to know what was expected of me.

My obedient days ended when my life didn’t turn out as I wished

Life is cruel and very unfair.

Dreams got smashed hopes squashed

After the disasters and my illness got worse an d worse

I ran away a couple of times

I couldn’t handle the reality

I couldn’t understand why The Gods Goddesses

I adored loved and worship didn’t grant me what I wanted in life.

I felt that stuff usually worked out for others

They got happy reached success.

I am happy for them.

I just wish that I was one of the lucky ones.

That I accomplished my goals.

That I wasn’t always this pathetic loser.

At times I still find it hard to grasp.

But I have no illusions anymore

No more dreams or hopes of a better future.

No more dreams or fantasies that The Gods will fix everything

Grant me joy and happiness.

I have given up.

I used to find it too harsh to channel do anything She demanded

While my life was still a disaster, nothing ever got better.

If I was miserable, was ill, had much misfortune.

Because I felt if She want me to surrender that much let you take over,

 Use me as you wish.

My life should be endless of joy and happiness.

I should have success in life achieve my goals and dreams.

Of course none of that happened

I was just a fool too imagine that just cause I do channelling, healing.

 I would get a better life. It is really sad that one expects to serve

 But life doesn’t change and no one cares enough

To grant me success, help me achieve my goals.

It is not like I didn’t do all I could to get there,

Make my dreams come through. But no art career,

 No creative job, no fun job at all

 I still live in a ghetto area.

My anxiety panic attacks just get worse so does my depression.

It is so hard to live in this world

I am so desperate now.

That I would do anything

The Goddess would ask of me

Just get through this overwhelming darkness

This misery that is my fate.

I was so scared.

I run back to grovel at Her feet

Beg her for forgiveness

Vowed to do anything for Her

If she would just help me survive.

I had to deal with all the strife issues

I wasn’t able to deal with before.

It is better now,

Now that I am walking with The Goddesses

I still find it hard to accept my life as it is

I find it hard to do anything at all.

It is just so useless for me to live like this.

But I do my best to get out get some exercise

Since I want to lose weight

I want to be able to bike and hike for hours as

I used to several years ago. That’s my goal.

I was so happy felt so free.

Had no physically issues that made me depressed.

I am learning to live with that I can still paint and draw

And settle for putting it on internet galleries.

I am grateful that I was welcomed back

Into The Goddesses arms.

If any of them were pissed or disappointed at my behaviour

For running away a lot?

Not willing to do the work the service that is requested of me?

I don’t know, all I know is that had a very submissive grovelling

Attitude until I felt safe.

When I got over the fears

I felt Their embrace and heard the words that they missed me

Was happy that I was back.

I am wiser

And accept that I need to do some stuff

Like yoga, art, dbt exercise for my art.

For my health.

Rituals, channelling and healing work

To serve The Goddesses as their

Witch and priestess.

I am embracing my life purpose

Try to see light where is light

See that all in my life is not darkness and despair.

Like a few days ago I heard of a place where

I could exercise do yoga and dance

Which are for others like me with

Mental illness- anxiety depression

It feels safe, I can do it in my pace.

Don’t have to fear being judged, doomed

Ridiculed there.

At times I have such Bad luck

It is so unfair.

At times it feels like I am wrapped in the darkness 

I can’t escape the blackness

It is compact enveloping me pouring in me

It feels like I am doomed

Born under a bad sign

I tried to deflect the bad luck with magic

But not much luck.

Always get the shortest straw in life

Have to settle for crumbles while others get the whole cake

Makes me feel very sad, depressed and anxious and frightened

Will it ever get better?

Will it get worse?

I have often felt that I must have pissed off some gods

To have it like this.

It feels like I don’t deserve to be happy

That if I would be happy and satisfied more

 Then shorter times I would be smothered.

I try to remember and see the blessings from The Goddess

the positive things that are happening to me

Like the gym, my ability to actually change

My life to the better

Like doing what needs to be done as I stated above

The ability to do it is a blessing.

My life isn’t over

I am not doomed

I will keep struggle

Face my fear issues

Have faith, serve The Goddesses

Be loyal and do what needs to be done.

It seems like I repeat myself a lot

It seems like I write the same or similar stuff

Over and over.

Sorry about that. Not my meaning

To bore you.

I just have so many thoughts, feelings

That needs to get out.

 I have emptied myself for now

Time to get back to get back to my painting.

Gratitude

I am grateful for making it through all challenges and despair

I am grateful That The Goddess grants me courage, strength

Inspiration and endurance.

I am grateful for having a healthy body.

I am grateful to have my darling kitties

My family and friends.

I am grateful for my art, my abilities to do art

Be creative, painting drawing sculpt

Even if I am not so very good at it,

I can do some and it is important to me.