Traveling and thoughts

I have been in Ireland, Wales and South of England. It was amazing to travel in those Celtic countries it felt like the mother country for me. The nature is amazing and beautiful on the British Isles and Ireland. I took several of day tours in Ireland got to see a lot of ancient mystical magical nature there. I felt the Goddess presence there in a different way than I do in the nature of Sweden. Although I have found several of magical enchanting places here as well. But nothing tops my trips to Ireland, south of England Somerset Glastonbury. I completely loved those places. The Goddess temple is great. I meditated there and on Glastonbury Tor every day when I was there. I loved those magic pagan shops there. So many in the same place and so little money. I hope to be able to travel there again. I would love to go Ireland again as well. I hope to be able to get in better shape get better condition so I can hike and bike around in Ireland, see all those special places there. I would love to visit more in wales, Scotland and England as well. My last travels was pilgrimages to connect to the Goddess. I had a book called in the nature of Avalon with me. Meditations pilgrimages to use in Glastonbury, at chalice well, and the Tor. I can’t wait get there again. I feel like I have always belonged to The Lady. I would love to become a priestess of Avalon. I am that in my heart and soul even if I haven’t been able to go to any official training.

We have lovely forests, woodlands and botanical parks were I live I have to take train or bus a few hours to get there. My goal is try to get out there all seasons of the year. I now I will feel better because of that. I live in a city, I hate that I would rather be living on the countryside, near ocean or at most in the forest. I love the silence and peace from the forest, trees and flowers in general and the ocean. We have several lovely park and places to walk in Malmo, but it feels scary at times cause of crimes criminals out there. I wouldn’t recommend anyone walk there after dark but it is usually alright there. But of course it is always possible to be the wrong person at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I use to channel The Lady regularly a several years ago with my best friend. We would do it with each other. One of us would call upon The Godddess and let Her take over and talk to the other person. It was nice, cool, and sometimes scary depending on the topic of the questions. I loved it most of the times and looked for into it. It was always nice to talk to Her. A few years ago we stopped the channelling due to our illness and issues getting worse. We needed time to heal, recover and learn to live again. I channel The Lady for myself a couple of times a year. My issue is that I don’t always know what’s real or what’s false what from Her, what’s my fantasy. Due to stress and anxiety it is hard to tell the difference. So I rarely do it. Unless The Goddess request it cause then it is at least strong enough for me to tell the difference. The past years it has been mostly how I can get more heathy, gain control of my life. My anxiety panic attacks has made it hard for me to listen, to what needs to be done, do what I can do and need to do to get better. I have often felt much embarrassment and shame for my inabilities to just get over stuff, just do what needs to be done. For several years I have felt that I am not worthy of being Hers, being Her priestess. I am off no use. I am just waste of spa ce actually. But that is just my low self-esteem and self-contempt that shines through. She has never mention anything like that. That I would be more brave, not shy away from Her challenges, my fears. She wishes I would see my power, what I actually can do about my life, not just focusing on all obstacles, misery in my way.  I tend to get pretty dark depressive only see suffering. But I am on meds now and are in therapy that helps me. And I pray and meditate about my issues what I need to do and ask for courage and strength to do it. I know I need to walk the road my own. I have to face the challenges not shy away from it.

more about my path until now with The Morrigan

My first years with The Morrigan I was very naive and I believed in stuff l found out later was not true and possible. I was sure that The Goddess would make me happy and grant me the perfect life and make all my dreams come true. I know utterly ridicules. I wanted to take the expensive Priestess training in Glastonbury. But I couldn’t afford it. The fee was expensive as well as to travel to Glastonbury in Great Britain 8 times a year. I was so sad. How could this be? And other people words about it not being the Goddess will for me was to harsh to accept. At times I focused more on my art. One day I found Avalon within by Jhena Telyndru. An awesome book it felt like it was a way to at least connect and get closer to The Goddess, I just couldn´t imagine my life without Her. So even if I was devastated I kept on searching looking for a way to become a priestess. I read several books. My favourites are Priestess of Avalon, priestess of The Goddess by Kathy Jones, to be a Goddess, Magic and rituals of The dark Goddess Morrigan by Stephanie Woodfield. I spelled the title wrong but you know which book I mean. The Temple of witchcraft books by Christopher Penczak. So I found my own way and priestess training and self initiated me to Her as a priestess.I felt that She accepted me. I did much magic, and healing and channelled the Goddesses at times. That was before my big devastation. Some big insights about my life that I needed to understand and accept. It took a few years. At times I was very rebellious and angry at The Goddess. I was pissed and depressed and couldn’t understand why I didn’t get anywhere in life, why I didn’t get better no matter how much I tried, no matter how much magic I did.

I never got ride of my anxiety, panic attacks and depression for a long time. And the times I was without it was shorter and shorter. And the same pitfalls I experienced as Christo pagan I fell into again. I started to question everything. It was times I was shaking so much of anxiety and panic attacks that I couldn’t do any rituals or meditate other times when I was so paralysed by fears and paranoia I wasn’t able to do anything unless I felt The Goddess holding my hand. I am talking about simple things like just getting out of my apartment. I did much protection magic. I wasn’t attacked or something like that. It was only my fears and paranoia and anxiety that ruled my life. Having social phobia and panic attacks daily didn’t make it better. I found some good friends that was like minded and I chatted with them. I heard about yoga and started to practise it. First mostly ashtanga yoga then I started to treat anxiety and panic attacks depression with it. I felt encouraged by The Goddess to continue this ashtanga and kundalini yoga. Later I was introduced to DBT, CBT and mindfulness, Act. And I started to get control of my issues. I still had a very hard time to accept reality as it is, accept that I was chronical ill. That I would never get the kind of job I want in art gallery. Or be an successful artist. With time I learn to see that I could still paint and draw and have my art in galleries on the internet galleries mostly. I learn what I mean is success is not the same as how The Lady sees success. I had trouble see that I had power, that I could do stuff to make me feel better like dbt, yoga, art and mindfulness or ignore it and get more and more sick.

The Goddess has much patience I felt Her love and strength flow through me. Got my ass kicked a few times to get started. I learned that we all have free will and one need to take responsibility for ones actions. That made me extremely focused on my past, all which shit abuse I have been through and past lives. I have always known it but I didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to acknowledge it. It was hard to look at karma and my life’s suffering and past life that I am not being punished. And yes I saw karma as punishment karma lesson do right do better is just nicer way of seeing things. Anyways the thoughts about karma, suffering past lives and my trauma made me very paranoid. I may go more deep in about my traumas another time. Short version it is that I have severely bullied at school and workplaces, beaten abused by my dad, a past boyfriend. I also been raped. So my issues with panic attacks anxiety, depression social phobia is the results of the traumas. It is also possible it is old pain and suffering from past life’s that has been needed to be released in life. All I know is that I have had some visions and dreams that are past life memories that are painful and linked to this life somehow. There are some visions about me feeling powerful and being dangerous as well. Several lives as witch, priestess and nun in one. I think that is pretty normal to have lived all kinds of lives in the past being well, bad, kind, and evil, poor, rich. Although I don’t recall any wealth but power. My last hard thing to deal with is indifference. What if the Gods Goddesses are indifferent, what if universe is really indifferent. It was and is painful to think about it like that. It makes everything be meaningless. What’s the reason to continue then what the reason to carry on then? And why would I continue then… I need The Goddess, the refugee, peace strength and courage she grants me. I know I should be strong stand on my own two feet and not need anyone. But I am not so good at it. As with most fixed idea and thoughts after a while they are less powerful and one feel less trapped. I know what I have experienced, I have sensed and felt the Goddessses presence many times, gotten visions and heard Her. I choose to trust in that. I am finding my way back to life, stronger, accepting the reality as it is see what I can do to change my life, what I need to let go.

My way to The Morrigan

I have always been a religious and spiritual person. I was brougt up as lutheran. I was very devoted to Jesus as teenager I even wanted to be His forever. Well atleast until my heart got broken and all my dreams got crushed. Sometimes one believes to much on some dreams fantasys which can´t be reality, or not in the way I wanted it. And alternative was not good enough. I wasn´t flexible in my twenties. For me it was only one way, one dream. And in my opinion it wasn´t even a possibility that I could fall be crushed. At that time I was very naive and expected the God I worshipped to grant me what I wanted and I would be his forever as nun. And would spend my days meditate and paint, become a successful artist. Of course none of this happened. I was crushed devastated and had lost the will to live...

As Christian I started to get interested and use magic in my late teen. That it was considered forbidden just added more spice to it. And I knew several other Christian witches. So nothing weird for me. As much as I loved Jesus and everything about him execpt for the bible i couldn´t stand. I missed the Divine Feminin, The Goddess so I started to meditate and pray to Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene and the archangels. I have always loved angels especially dark ones, and fairies. After a while different Goddesses came to me in visions. I started to meditate and do rituals to connect to The Ladies Artemis and Hecate. For a few years I was Christopagan. I know it is often very controversial but for me and a few others I know. It wasn´t strange or odd for me to worship and follow both ´The Goddess and Jesus. It wasn´t until I met other pagans wiccans I realised it was often frowned upon. I got rediculed and kicked out from some yahoogroups.

My biggest dream was to get into art university, get an fantasy artcareer. I never got into artuniversity wasnt good enough. I turned bitter and angry and couldnt stand to near Jesus cause in my eyes he stopped me from reaching my goals dreams, to him I was nothing,I wasn´t worthy to get into art university. So left Jesus and christianity behind me. Cause of my devastated dreams I got into severe depression. I felt dark, bad and suicidal. I had been that before but now it felt much worser. One day a red haired Lady appeared in my dreams. It was The Morrigan, She was cool, dark, powerful and gentle at the same time. Since I had already decided to kill myself I decided to connect to this dark mysterious Lady. The warnings I read on the web about not call upon Her, not seek Her out, cause She was seen as very volatile and dangerous according the texts i read had the opposite effect. I felt more drawn. I should mention that dark dangerous was just exiting to me, I had invoked Lucifer serveral times as well as Lilith as Christopagan out of curiousity. In The Ladys presence and embrace I felt loved, cared for protected and seen. It was like I had found someone who I felt was stronger then the Cristian God, and Mary together. I needed it, it was like i fell in love. It is hard to explain. I never felt that close to Artemis or Hecate.

When I read about Celtic myths, Avalon I was home. It was following the Celtic phanteon that was my way. I love to read about The Morrigan and other Gods and meditated and did rituals to connect to them. My wish to commit suicide was forgotten.

About me

I am a witch and self initiated priestess of The Morrigan, Morgana Le Fay Lady of Avalon, Brigid and Lugh. I love to honor the Gods with my art, and my writings. I have channeled The Morrigan a few times a year. It hasn´t been much this year due to my illness. But hopefully it gets better soon. I gotta hope that. Or that it gets more stabile. I haven´t done much to help myself the past year. But I will get better. And The Goddess gives me strength to continue. I have started to meditate very day and do yoga again. It is important to me cause it gives me some peace of mind, it eases my anxiety issues.

I suffer of anxiety, severe panic attacks, depression, social phobia, PTSD. I am on sick leave now. I got sick on my last jobs as assistent nurse. It was way to stressful for me, and too long work hours. Bad workplaces. My anxiety panic attacks has gotten worser for every year. I have had it more or less since I was a kid and was badly beaten bullied in school. I have gotten theraphy but found the best theraphy is doing art, yoga writing helps as well as connect to The Goddess.

I love to meditate, do rituals, do magick to connect to The Goddess, Gods, nature. I like to read about magic and will study my temple of witchcraft books more. As well as work more with my tarot decks and oracle cards. Do Avalon rituals. I love to use herbs, gemstones in my magic practise. I celebrate the moon phases and the sabbats. I am 40 years old. at times i feel like I am still 22 years old other times ancient. But that is how it is. I live in Sweden with my five cats. Three of them are rescues the other two are my sisters. I love animals especially cats big and small. I love the nature, moon, ocean, woods, woodlands love to hiking there. I am working on forcing myself to get outdoors no matter how bad I feel of this anxiety panic attacks. I am sick of it ruling my life. It is time to take back my power, my life.

My writings can be dark at times, cause i tend to feel like I am in the dark night of the soul. I will try to not dwell in my misery or selfpity.

Welcome

This is a new blog I am starting about my journey with The Morrigan, Lady of Avalon Morgan Le Fay, Brigid and Lugh. For those of you have seen my other earlier blogs may wonder why I dont just continue the old ones. The answer is simple this blog will be on English. I dont have the energy to write in both Swedish and English, so my dear Swedish friends have to settle for this or use google translate. I mean i know I am a bitch. but i know you can English even if you find it simpler on Swedish. Enough said about that.