Love

Love

Love is strange

Love is odd and illogical

Love is temptation

Love is more than just lust and seduction

Love is makes us crazy and vulnerable

Love is the beginning and end of it all

Love can also be endless pain, heartbreak.

Love is devouring as well as enlightening.

I have never had a long relationship with a man

I have only had a few shorter relationships.

I have been in love many times.

But almost always either the one I love doesn’t love me

Or even want to give me a chance get to know me.

Or they just turn out to be some creep, an asshole.

Who just want my body

Nothing makes me feel cheaper than that.

I don’t have sex with men before we are in a relationship,

We have been on several dates. And are in love.

If others have sex right away that’s fine with me.

I don’t judge others I don’t even care what others

do as long as all are aware, consenting, off age

In my 20´s I had several one nightstands.

 Not one of them wanted to meet me again

Not one wanted to get to know me.

All that it gave me was a broken heart trashy reputation

Strange guys would come up to me ask for a quickie.

I felt so disgusted by myself and them.

I didn’t do it. Because I realized it would get me loved.

No one would want me.

One time I got raped because a scum put some drug

In my drink when I turned away for a second

 then dragged me home to him.

Raped me the whole night.

Not all men are this evil,

But I am being very careful

I am paranoid

No one is ever going get a chance to harm me again.

I don’t take any chances.

I rather live alone

Live in celibacy then ever getting the risk of being abused again.

I don’t care if I am odd or strange in other people’s eyes

I won’t risk my safety for something

I doubt exist

Love, sex relationship for me.

I am okay with it, I don’t need it.

I have gotten over the feelings betrayal and pain from the past.

My problem is more that I have given up on love a long time ago.

I don’t believe in love anymore.

I don’t believe there is any love passionate relationship for me.

In many ways I don’t care.

There is other kinds of love

Like love from The Gods, angels to all living

Love between me and my cats, family friends.

Forbidden fruit, forbidden love

Since the love I have had,

 The men I have had crush on been in love with

 either abused me, hurt me deeply or

 just didn’t return my love.

My lovesick heart and soul looked f

or love passion at other places.

As a teenager and in my 20s and early 30s

I experienced so much heart break, so much devastation,

misery that I wanted nothing more than to die most of the time.

It was during this time that spirituality got more and more important to me.

Silly as it sounds it was a book called god on a Harley,

and movies about angels,  

That started my love adoration and became

 obsession about Jesus and Archangel Michael

I just want to clarify it was them as Deities

as I experienced them in my love hero worship as I saw them.

And it was also way to protect myself against the cruel world.

 It had nothing to with the bible or some judgements.

It was just loving very much new age

I needed more and found The Goddess

first Hecate and Artemis that I followed  worshipped

along with angels and Jesus, Mary.

Was a Christo pagan then!

It was harsh at times cause I couldn’t handle my issues or life without using magic or cut myself.

I was destructive and unstable.

And had trouble connect to anyone but Virgin Mary and archangel Michael.

Most of it went away when The Morrigan camr into m,y life.

That was a few years later.

She came a time when I was depressed suicidal

In my dreams she picked me up in her arms and held me as she fought

Negativity/ black things around me.

The Morrigan´s presence has mostly been strong

Sometimes stronger sometimes less strong.

She wanted me for Herself the first years

A few years later I  got to know a few other

Goddesses from the same pantheon.

I met the Archangel Michael in silence,

for me it was forbidden love. And the tought of doing this nasty

was scary and exiting.

The Lady knew of course what I was doing and with whom.

I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought.

It was never my intention to be disloyal to Her

Or disrespectful. I just wanted to my angel friend.

The Lady understood that.

She didn’t seem to care about that.

I still kept seeing him sometimes for comfort and support.

It felt good to be loved and cared for.

That he was an angel that cared about me made it even better.

One day I met The God of Sun and Storm Lugh

The bringer of light and master of skill

I got along great with him and are devoted to Him as well.

He reminds me of Michael and the Greek Apollo.

I love the Sun, and it’s cool with a God who is

Also a master of skills, artisans.

I try to connect to him with my art, meditation

Walks in the sun, forests.

The past years I have felt that I am not worthy

That Lugh doesn’t really like me or want me.

I can be so very insecure unsure of my place

My worth and are so scared to do wrong

And I was confused by what he wanted of me and

what it meant to be a pagan nun

A pagan nun

I read about it couple of times on the web

It felt like a good solution for me

It feels and felt so right.

Basically it is about to devote yourself to a god be his.

I can’t really explain what the difference

is with being a witch priestess or pagan nun.

So if you wander what a pagan nun is look it up the only thing I found was

About a girl devoted to Loki as his pagan nun

And she was faithful to him.

I think Loki had some grounds rules for her.

What caught my interest was that this girl

had much misery, bad luck in love,

life general like me and she wanted to be loved

and devoted her god that would take special care of her.

What I originally wanted archangel Michael

but never really put my foot down and demanded it.

Only asked for it  once  and promised She would

Always number one in my heart and mind

As She had demanded when I got to know

Brigid and Rhiannon, Macha.

When I asked The Goddess Morrigan

If she would let me be devoted like that to him

She just said we´ll see

And few months later I met Lugh and it clicked right away.

I was so fascinated by him, I was okay not seeing Michael

For month. He was happy that I found someone else

It felt like a crush

As you probably guessed I am a sucker for tragic,

forbidden impossible love stories, Romeo Juliette.

Nicolette and Accussin, Lancelot and Guinevere,

Tristan and Isolt, dark age old love stories.

Beautiful, magical romantic. Nothing that exist in the reality.

There are TV series where couples romance are special to me.

I like the charmed ones even if they have all facts wrong as in Buffy.

It is wonderful to see the love stories over and over

Between the witch Phoebe and half demon Cole,

 but so fatal, beautiful romantic tragic.

I also love the love story between the witch Piper

and the angel/white lighter Leo.

I also love to watch the Buffy and vampires and angel series

Cause of Angel Buffy love story. And Spike buffy love story.

 Angel series are cool as any others where a bad guy

Redeems himself of past wrong doings/evil deeds.

Cole, Spike, Angel all of them does that.

I know its wrong stupid of me to watch this shit.

 I also love watching Marvel movies like Avengers 1,2,

Thor 1,2, Captain America and Ironman movies all of them.

 As well as the Hobbit movies and Lord of the rings movies.

I have tried to write fanfiction about my favourite characters but it didn’t work out well. I wasn’t interested enough to put much effort either.

I prefer to read, work on my art or do magic