My way to The Morrigan

I have always been a religious and spiritual person. I was brougt up as lutheran. I was very devoted to Jesus as teenager I even wanted to be His forever. Well atleast until my heart got broken and all my dreams got crushed. Sometimes one believes to much on some dreams fantasys which can´t be reality, or not in the way I wanted it. And alternative was not good enough. I wasn´t flexible in my twenties. For me it was only one way, one dream. And in my opinion it wasn´t even a possibility that I could fall be crushed. At that time I was very naive and expected the God I worshipped to grant me what I wanted and I would be his forever as nun. And would spend my days meditate and paint, become a successful artist. Of course none of this happened. I was crushed devastated and had lost the will to live...

As Christian I started to get interested and use magic in my late teen. That it was considered forbidden just added more spice to it. And I knew several other Christian witches. So nothing weird for me. As much as I loved Jesus and everything about him execpt for the bible i couldn´t stand. I missed the Divine Feminin, The Goddess so I started to meditate and pray to Virgin Mary and Mary Magdalene and the archangels. I have always loved angels especially dark ones, and fairies. After a while different Goddesses came to me in visions. I started to meditate and do rituals to connect to The Ladies Artemis and Hecate. For a few years I was Christopagan. I know it is often very controversial but for me and a few others I know. It wasn´t strange or odd for me to worship and follow both ´The Goddess and Jesus. It wasn´t until I met other pagans wiccans I realised it was often frowned upon. I got rediculed and kicked out from some yahoogroups.

My biggest dream was to get into art university, get an fantasy artcareer. I never got into artuniversity wasnt good enough. I turned bitter and angry and couldnt stand to near Jesus cause in my eyes he stopped me from reaching my goals dreams, to him I was nothing,I wasn´t worthy to get into art university. So left Jesus and christianity behind me. Cause of my devastated dreams I got into severe depression. I felt dark, bad and suicidal. I had been that before but now it felt much worser. One day a red haired Lady appeared in my dreams. It was The Morrigan, She was cool, dark, powerful and gentle at the same time. Since I had already decided to kill myself I decided to connect to this dark mysterious Lady. The warnings I read on the web about not call upon Her, not seek Her out, cause She was seen as very volatile and dangerous according the texts i read had the opposite effect. I felt more drawn. I should mention that dark dangerous was just exiting to me, I had invoked Lucifer serveral times as well as Lilith as Christopagan out of curiousity. In The Ladys presence and embrace I felt loved, cared for protected and seen. It was like I had found someone who I felt was stronger then the Cristian God, and Mary together. I needed it, it was like i fell in love. It is hard to explain. I never felt that close to Artemis or Hecate.

When I read about Celtic myths, Avalon I was home. It was following the Celtic phanteon that was my way. I love to read about The Morrigan and other Gods and meditated and did rituals to connect to them. My wish to commit suicide was forgotten.