My first years with The
Morrigan I was very naive and I believed in stuff l found out later was not
true and possible. I was sure that The Goddess would make me happy and grant me
the perfect life and make all my dreams come true. I know utterly ridicules.
I wanted to take the expensive Priestess training in Glastonbury. But I couldn’t
afford it. The fee was expensive as well as to travel to Glastonbury in Great
Britain 8 times a year. I was so sad. How could this be? And other people words
about it not being the Goddess will for me was to harsh to accept. At times I
focused more on my art. One day I found Avalon within by Jhena Telyndru. An
awesome book it felt like it was a way to at least connect and get closer to
The Goddess, I just couldn´t imagine my life without Her. So even if I was
devastated I kept on searching looking for a way to become a priestess. I read several
books. My favourites are Priestess of Avalon, priestess of The Goddess by Kathy
Jones, to be a Goddess, Magic and rituals of The dark Goddess Morrigan by Stephanie
Woodfield. I spelled the title wrong but you know which book I mean. The Temple
of witchcraft books by Christopher Penczak. So I found my own way and priestess
training and self initiated me to Her as a priestess.I felt that She accepted
me. I did much magic, and healing and channelled the Goddesses at times. That
was before my big devastation. Some big insights about my life that I needed to
understand and accept. It took a few years. At times I was very rebellious and
angry at The Goddess. I was pissed and depressed and couldn’t understand
why I didn’t get anywhere in life, why I didn’t get better no matter how much I
tried, no matter how much magic I did.
I never got ride of my anxiety, panic attacks and depression for a long time. And the times I was without it was shorter and shorter. And the same pitfalls I experienced as Christo pagan I fell into again. I started to question everything. It was times I was shaking so much of anxiety and panic attacks that I couldn’t do any rituals or meditate other times when I was so paralysed by fears and paranoia I wasn’t able to do anything unless I felt The Goddess holding my hand. I am talking about simple things like just getting out of my apartment. I did much protection magic. I wasn’t attacked or something like that. It was only my fears and paranoia and anxiety that ruled my life. Having social phobia and panic attacks daily didn’t make it better. I found some good friends that was like minded and I chatted with them. I heard about yoga and started to practise it. First mostly ashtanga yoga then I started to treat anxiety and panic attacks depression with it. I felt encouraged by The Goddess to continue this ashtanga and kundalini yoga. Later I was introduced to DBT, CBT and mindfulness, Act. And I started to get control of my issues. I still had a very hard time to accept reality as it is, accept that I was chronical ill. That I would never get the kind of job I want in art gallery. Or be an successful artist. With time I learn to see that I could still paint and draw and have my art in galleries on the internet galleries mostly. I learn what I mean is success is not the same as how The Lady sees success. I had trouble see that I had power, that I could do stuff to make me feel better like dbt, yoga, art and mindfulness or ignore it and get more and more sick.
The Goddess has much patience I felt Her love and strength flow through me. Got my ass kicked a few times to get started. I learned that we all have free will and one need to take responsibility for ones actions. That made me extremely focused on my past, all which shit abuse I have been through and past lives. I have always known it but I didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to acknowledge it. It was hard to look at karma and my life’s suffering and past life that I am not being punished. And yes I saw karma as punishment karma lesson do right do better is just nicer way of seeing things. Anyways the thoughts about karma, suffering past lives and my trauma made me very paranoid. I may go more deep in about my traumas another time. Short version it is that I have severely bullied at school and workplaces, beaten abused by my dad, a past boyfriend. I also been raped. So my issues with panic attacks anxiety, depression social phobia is the results of the traumas. It is also possible it is old pain and suffering from past life’s that has been needed to be released in life. All I know is that I have had some visions and dreams that are past life memories that are painful and linked to this life somehow. There are some visions about me feeling powerful and being dangerous as well. Several lives as witch, priestess and nun in one. I think that is pretty normal to have lived all kinds of lives in the past being well, bad, kind, and evil, poor, rich. Although I don’t recall any wealth but power. My last hard thing to deal with is indifference. What if the Gods Goddesses are indifferent, what if universe is really indifferent. It was and is painful to think about it like that. It makes everything be meaningless. What’s the reason to continue then what the reason to carry on then? And why would I continue then… I need The Goddess, the refugee, peace strength and courage she grants me. I know I should be strong stand on my own two feet and not need anyone. But I am not so good at it. As with most fixed idea and thoughts after a while they are less powerful and one feel less trapped. I know what I have experienced, I have sensed and felt the Goddessses presence many times, gotten visions and heard Her. I choose to trust in that. I am finding my way back to life, stronger, accepting the reality as it is see what I can do to change my life, what I need to let go.
I never got ride of my anxiety, panic attacks and depression for a long time. And the times I was without it was shorter and shorter. And the same pitfalls I experienced as Christo pagan I fell into again. I started to question everything. It was times I was shaking so much of anxiety and panic attacks that I couldn’t do any rituals or meditate other times when I was so paralysed by fears and paranoia I wasn’t able to do anything unless I felt The Goddess holding my hand. I am talking about simple things like just getting out of my apartment. I did much protection magic. I wasn’t attacked or something like that. It was only my fears and paranoia and anxiety that ruled my life. Having social phobia and panic attacks daily didn’t make it better. I found some good friends that was like minded and I chatted with them. I heard about yoga and started to practise it. First mostly ashtanga yoga then I started to treat anxiety and panic attacks depression with it. I felt encouraged by The Goddess to continue this ashtanga and kundalini yoga. Later I was introduced to DBT, CBT and mindfulness, Act. And I started to get control of my issues. I still had a very hard time to accept reality as it is, accept that I was chronical ill. That I would never get the kind of job I want in art gallery. Or be an successful artist. With time I learn to see that I could still paint and draw and have my art in galleries on the internet galleries mostly. I learn what I mean is success is not the same as how The Lady sees success. I had trouble see that I had power, that I could do stuff to make me feel better like dbt, yoga, art and mindfulness or ignore it and get more and more sick.
The Goddess has much patience I felt Her love and strength flow through me. Got my ass kicked a few times to get started. I learned that we all have free will and one need to take responsibility for ones actions. That made me extremely focused on my past, all which shit abuse I have been through and past lives. I have always known it but I didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to acknowledge it. It was hard to look at karma and my life’s suffering and past life that I am not being punished. And yes I saw karma as punishment karma lesson do right do better is just nicer way of seeing things. Anyways the thoughts about karma, suffering past lives and my trauma made me very paranoid. I may go more deep in about my traumas another time. Short version it is that I have severely bullied at school and workplaces, beaten abused by my dad, a past boyfriend. I also been raped. So my issues with panic attacks anxiety, depression social phobia is the results of the traumas. It is also possible it is old pain and suffering from past life’s that has been needed to be released in life. All I know is that I have had some visions and dreams that are past life memories that are painful and linked to this life somehow. There are some visions about me feeling powerful and being dangerous as well. Several lives as witch, priestess and nun in one. I think that is pretty normal to have lived all kinds of lives in the past being well, bad, kind, and evil, poor, rich. Although I don’t recall any wealth but power. My last hard thing to deal with is indifference. What if the Gods Goddesses are indifferent, what if universe is really indifferent. It was and is painful to think about it like that. It makes everything be meaningless. What’s the reason to continue then what the reason to carry on then? And why would I continue then… I need The Goddess, the refugee, peace strength and courage she grants me. I know I should be strong stand on my own two feet and not need anyone. But I am not so good at it. As with most fixed idea and thoughts after a while they are less powerful and one feel less trapped. I know what I have experienced, I have sensed and felt the Goddessses presence many times, gotten visions and heard Her. I choose to trust in that. I am finding my way back to life, stronger, accepting the reality as it is see what I can do to change my life, what I need to let go.
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