More poetry about my journey with Goddesses

Acceptance

One of the hardest thing in my is to accept

Accept that I may never be able to be a great famous painter artist fantasy artist

Accept what I can achieve

Accept that I do get better with practise and what make your fire within burn with passion is worth everything.

Accept that those feelings the release and euphoria

I feel when I do art is the true worth of my art

Not the world’s recognition, fame.

Passion

Art is my passion

To do art be creative is to live

Art is my release and escape

I need to escape

Escape from the cruel reality from this horrible world at times.

I honor her with my art my poetry my paintings

Art is also healing

Gettoing out all the old

Traumas the negatibvity pain suffering

Release the emotiona

Takwe a pen a brusgh and start doing it

Let the heaking begin

Cats

I live with my cats

The kitties are wonderful

Getting them stuff see them play

Pet them, play with them

Makes me feel good inside,

Less alone.

It makes me feel that I do matter

A reason to get up in the morning

I am needed and loved

And they are also a very effective anti-suicide beings

Cause no matter how deep I fall, how bad I feel

I could never take my life and abandonen them

Be what I dispise.

A looser who abandons their pets.

Never.

It is very painful to live at times

I cry and hold my kitties on the couch.

Try to write or paint something afterwards

My cats are my babies, my family.

I do have a mum and sister and few friends as well.

Although I love them and they me

They could handle it without me

Sometimes I feel that they all would be better off without me

I even feel that the goddess would be better off without me

That’s blasphemy because u don’t know what she feels and shouldn’t put the words in her mouth!

But I do know that she wouldn’t had chosen me.

If I wasn’t worthy

She knows my strife she knows what’s in my heart

Misfortune

The Goddess is my life and love

I love to do art and write poetry in her honour

I love to meditate to rituals to connect with her.

I wish I was better stronger healthier

So I could honour Her better.

But She choose me wanted me for a reason

So I should keep in mind that she is pleased

with my honest heartfelt actions.

I used to believe that The Gods would make my dreams come true

That I would be happy and successful

Such a fool I was

I am sure they had fun laughing at me

Stupid girl who thinks she will get anywhere in life

Stupid fool who thinks that she would get any kind of success

Any kind of happiness, no matter how hard she struggle.

At the same time I find it hard that The Goddesses I love so much

Whom I follow and are devoted too.

Would be so cruel and destroy everything for me.

Destroy my life.

I haven’t done anything to deserve that

or any other of the shit that happens in my life.

I need more spiritual discipline

I hate myself for admitting it

But I feel much better

When I meditate and do yoga 3 hours a day every day.

 I think it has something to do my anxiety issues.

 I need hours to relax my body soul and mind to function.

The first years I felt that The Goddess and God

were very strict and demanding.

I would never dare to disobey.

It was good to know what was expected of me.

My obedient days ended when my life didn’t turn out as I wished

Life is cruel and very unfair.

Dreams got smashed hopes squashed

After the disasters and my illness got worse an d worse

I ran away a couple of times

I couldn’t handle the reality

I couldn’t understand why The Gods Goddesses

I adored loved and worship didn’t grant me what I wanted in life.

I felt that stuff usually worked out for others

They got happy reached success.

I am happy for them.

I just wish that I was one of the lucky ones.

That I accomplished my goals.

That I wasn’t always this pathetic loser.

At times I still find it hard to grasp.

But I have no illusions anymore

No more dreams or hopes of a better future.

No more dreams or fantasies that The Gods will fix everything

Grant me joy and happiness.

I have given up.

I used to find it too harsh to channel do anything She demanded

While my life was still a disaster, nothing ever got better.

If I was miserable, was ill, had much misfortune.

Because I felt if She want me to surrender that much let you take over,

 Use me as you wish.

My life should be endless of joy and happiness.

I should have success in life achieve my goals and dreams.

Of course none of that happened

I was just a fool too imagine that just cause I do channelling, healing.

 I would get a better life. It is really sad that one expects to serve

 But life doesn’t change and no one cares enough

To grant me success, help me achieve my goals.

It is not like I didn’t do all I could to get there,

Make my dreams come through. But no art career,

 No creative job, no fun job at all

 I still live in a ghetto area.

My anxiety panic attacks just get worse so does my depression.

It is so hard to live in this world

I am so desperate now.

That I would do anything

The Goddess would ask of me

Just get through this overwhelming darkness

This misery that is my fate.

I was so scared.

I run back to grovel at Her feet

Beg her for forgiveness

Vowed to do anything for Her

If she would just help me survive.

I had to deal with all the strife issues

I wasn’t able to deal with before.

It is better now,

Now that I am walking with The Goddesses

I still find it hard to accept my life as it is

I find it hard to do anything at all.

It is just so useless for me to live like this.

But I do my best to get out get some exercise

Since I want to lose weight

I want to be able to bike and hike for hours as

I used to several years ago. That’s my goal.

I was so happy felt so free.

Had no physically issues that made me depressed.

I am learning to live with that I can still paint and draw

And settle for putting it on internet galleries.

I am grateful that I was welcomed back

Into The Goddesses arms.

If any of them were pissed or disappointed at my behaviour

For running away a lot?

Not willing to do the work the service that is requested of me?

I don’t know, all I know is that had a very submissive grovelling

Attitude until I felt safe.

When I got over the fears

I felt Their embrace and heard the words that they missed me

Was happy that I was back.

I am wiser

And accept that I need to do some stuff

Like yoga, art, dbt exercise for my art.

For my health.

Rituals, channelling and healing work

To serve The Goddesses as their

Witch and priestess.

I am embracing my life purpose

Try to see light where is light

See that all in my life is not darkness and despair.

Like a few days ago I heard of a place where

I could exercise do yoga and dance

Which are for others like me with

Mental illness- anxiety depression

It feels safe, I can do it in my pace.

Don’t have to fear being judged, doomed

Ridiculed there.

At times I have such Bad luck

It is so unfair.

At times it feels like I am wrapped in the darkness 

I can’t escape the blackness

It is compact enveloping me pouring in me

It feels like I am doomed

Born under a bad sign

I tried to deflect the bad luck with magic

But not much luck.

Always get the shortest straw in life

Have to settle for crumbles while others get the whole cake

Makes me feel very sad, depressed and anxious and frightened

Will it ever get better?

Will it get worse?

I have often felt that I must have pissed off some gods

To have it like this.

It feels like I don’t deserve to be happy

That if I would be happy and satisfied more

 Then shorter times I would be smothered.

I try to remember and see the blessings from The Goddess

the positive things that are happening to me

Like the gym, my ability to actually change

My life to the better

Like doing what needs to be done as I stated above

The ability to do it is a blessing.

My life isn’t over

I am not doomed

I will keep struggle

Face my fear issues

Have faith, serve The Goddesses

Be loyal and do what needs to be done.

It seems like I repeat myself a lot

It seems like I write the same or similar stuff

Over and over.

Sorry about that. Not my meaning

To bore you.

I just have so many thoughts, feelings

That needs to get out.

 I have emptied myself for now

Time to get back to get back to my painting.

Gratitude

I am grateful for making it through all challenges and despair

I am grateful That The Goddess grants me courage, strength

Inspiration and endurance.

I am grateful for having a healthy body.

I am grateful to have my darling kitties

My family and friends.

I am grateful for my art, my abilities to do art

Be creative, painting drawing sculpt

Even if I am not so very good at it,

I can do some and it is important to me.

My journey with The Goddess

Lessons in life

There are many life lessons

To be strong

Don’t let others step on you put you down.

Deal with issues

Deal with conflicts without flee or attack others.

Learn to trust in Her

The Gods helps those that helps themselves

And there also that about stop listening to ego

Be humble patient giving

No matter how people treat you

Is the worst

There is no justice in this world

People harm you and one can’t do a shit about it.

They say it is wrong to crave for revenge

To crave hexing cursing those that harmed you the most.

But what was done to me was wrong as well.

Don’t worry I haven’t done more then

Begging The Dark Lady to grant me justice.

Protection and banishing spell.

I am allowed to protect myself and mine.

 

Challenges

To face your fears

Embrace your shadow self

Force yourself to do what needs to be done

Too get better.

See opportunities abilities

Using it wisely

Use yoga, mindfulness, dbt

To ease anxiety panic depression

Some days which becomes weeks I have trouble getting out of bed.

I usually just sit on the couch all day

To do things, simple things like taking a walk

Do yoga, paint or draw, meditate

Require more energy and willpower I have

Which makes me so upset that my life is running away

I get more and more anxiety, panic anxiety which

Make my heart and soul so sad

Which makes me even more depressed, Suicidal.

It is awful that life is just passing by.

It is so harsh for me to live like this

I cry, I plead, I beg The Great Lady

To help me. To comforts me

She gives me strength to live another day

To do what needs to be done

The Goddess walks beside me

Encourages and strengthens me

I have to walk this path

Path of healing

Addiction

I am addicted to fatty food like waffles, pancakes pizza, fries, and snacks. But the worst is my sugar addiction, I love sweets, chocolate, cookies and coca cola.

I have surrendered it to the Lady

I am powerless over my addiction.

I like the thought of surrender give the addictions, illnesses troubles to the Goddess/God. I understand that I still need to do the work

Abstain from the stuff I crave

Eat healthy and exercise

But it feels great that I am not alone in this

That the Goddesses is with me every step of the way.

Often I can’t think about anything else then eating, and can’t help going to store buy some crap I binge on.

I hate my face

My fat body

I am ugly, disgusting. The picture I usually show others shows me weight 50 lbs less then what I do now.

I hate having to get these big clothes, in big sizes.

I hate that nothing fits in regular stores.

It doesn’t matter if the big clothes are just as nice as the small ones. Cause only want the small clothes.

I want to be fit. Get in shape. Be free of my addictions

Karma

I see Karma as punishments

Because you will pay all that you done in the past

Past lives. I believe most of my suffering comes from that. It feels unfair but it is probably not in the universal eyes.

Life lessons and do it again do better is the same thing just a kinder way to look at karma.

For years I was so anxious so panicky

So hysterical, depressed

Cause of the karma lessons I have to endure

I am anxious about what will happen to me

In the future.

I have nightmares

I am just so scared at times

Anxious so panicky

I am so ashamed

Fear being rejected laughed at mocked

I wouldn’t been able to handle it if The Goddess

Was mocking me.

Even if I may deserve it as I seem to

Only deserve misery in this life

The Goddess grants me strength and courage

She helps me to endure all karma lessons

Life lessons, all challenges.

I am so scared of what’s in the store for me

I am scared of doing what’s good for me

Like yoga, art magic

I fear the gods of karma will smite me then.

If I will be happy, satisfied

Feel joy enjoy life

Everything seem to be destroyed around me.

I cling on The Goddess

Trusting in Her powers, Her grace, Her mercy

To provide for me.

Taking a deep breath focusing on Her

Feeling presence don’t let my anxiety fears

Take over.

I have surrendered my illness, my addictions

To The Goddess.

I try to do what I need to do every day.

The Great Queen wants what’s best for me.

She wants me to become the best me

Overcome my obstacles

Don’t let fears, my troubles rule me!

She doesn’t want my anxiety panic anxiety hysteria

To control me!

When I focus on Her like that I feel better.

It is when I get lost in my fears, thoughts about karma

My issues that I freak out. I runaway and hide

In my shame and fear pleading for mercy

Which I won’t get and hate myself for being such a nervous wreak

There are loads of self-loath, self-hate contempt in me. There is also psychological demons in my mind that ruins everything, destroys me. It want to make me think its words are from the Goddess, but it isn’t. I know The Great Queen can be harsh and demanding

But She isn’t a bully, or cruel, torturing me with cruel images, voices.

It only makes me more anxious more panicky hysterical

I won’t be able to fulfil my vow to Her and channel Her during such duress. I hope I will get more stable more balanced so I can honour Her with channelling Her. Let Her speak through me.

The Great Goddess is very patient with me.

She is both harsh and loving

Nurturing as well as demanding.

I love Her so much I am so grateful that she wants me

Wants a nervous wreck like me be her devotee.

But I am sure She sees some worth in me that I and others don’t

I was strong and healthy earlier.

I could be that again

I have been able to channel Her several years ago

I did it regularly.

I may be able to do that again

I just need to regain stability, balance in my life

Which I can achieve with doing yoga, using dbt every day.

I have my art as well, I use it both as therapy healing and a way to honour the gods.

My poetry shows what low weak nervous wreak I am

I am not worthy to be a pagan, a follower of the Goddess in many people’s eyes I can imagine.

I shouldn’t plead or beg at all

I am a shame in other people’s eyes

I should face my issues, illness challenges with a smile.

I shouldn’t surrender myself, my addiction illness put my life in Her hands.

I am a disgrace in other people’s eyes

I asked The Great Queen once if She thought badly about me cause of all this.

If I was a disgrace in Her eyes for not being strong on my own. Where my pleading sometimes are more similar to Christians submissive begging to Christ than pagans more self-confident prayers chants to their gods.

So do you. She said with a smile

I can’t do it another way. I am too hysterical, I cry

So anxious so panicky, out of control

The only thing the makes me function is that I surrender to You.

Humans turns to their gods in desperate times.

As long as you understand you still need to do the work

I won’t do it for you, neither would Christ do it for his devotees either.

If it makes you better to give your woes to me, what’s the harm?

How can you be sure I don’t help you?

That I don’t want you to surrender to me, surrender your addictions, your illness, issues to me?

I don’t know that, but I do like the idea of You helping me even if some prayers I use are Christian, I just say Goddess instead of God. I just don’t know how to change the wording because I find need the help like it is asked for in the prayers.

I am sorry I should go I shouldn’t bother you my Lady.

That is your fear talking, child.

If I didn’t like your prayers, your surrender, your way of approaching me I would have told you. And it is only a few prayers that are like that. I don’t mind it is your hearts sincerity that is the important thing. And that you do the stuff that needs to be dome to make it possible. If you don’t do the stuff nothing will ever change.

I am here for you. You are mine

And I don’t want to share you with Jesus if it is not necessary.

I have others I already share with him.

I have felt at times that I wanted you both when he suggest stuff, but I am not likely to follow. I like it this way that he has no power over me.

The Goddess chuckles.

I do feel that I sometimes yearn back to him. It was simpler

In a way. But it’s not him really, more like m.y fantasy of him from the past the great saviour, knight in shining armour

As long as he doesn’t boss the damsel around yes. If he would make demands you would flee. And you have Lugh so you have no need for Jesus.

No I don’t. I get a bit obsessive want what my Christian friends have then to realise I already have it with you.

 I am a twisted weird person. I am so sorry my Lady.

If I make anyone uncomfortable with my writings I am sorry.

Will you stop beating yourself up, girl?

Dark poetry with happy ending about my journey with Her

Estranged

 I am lonely

 I am sad

 I got to know a few new people

 We became friends

 At least that's what I thought

 We ended up hurting each other

 I suppose it is better like this

 I am better of alone

 I am on my own

My heart is hurting

 My tears are running down my cheeks

 My soul is aching

 I wish I was like you my lady

 Strong powerful

 You wouldn't take crap from others

 You wouldn't cry of pain loneliness

 You wouldn't wonder around in sleepless nights?

 What you did wrong?

 Why others always end up hurting you?

 Why you are so weak so pathetic?

 Why no one cares?

 Why no one loves you no matter how you try

they don't wanna be your friend.

 I don't let anyone see my pain

 See my hurt

 How it hurts to not be accepted

 How it breaks my heart that I have

 No loveThe men I have known have all been assholes

 Why I can't I ever find love

 I don't seem to deserve love happiness

 I glare at others with hard black painted eyes my red hair shines as I snarls at others. Keep them away

 Make them run.

 Protect the damaged one

 Myself

 Put on my mask of indifference

 All weakness gone

 I am complete ice queen.

 Harsh cold barriers

 No one and nothing can break it

 I took my last emotions to build this

 Shield against the world so no one

 Can ever hurt me

 Cause me pain

 But inside these harsh walls of ice

 I cry

 I suffer

 I feel pain and misery

 I yearn for love

 I yearn for the sun

 Like a fading rose

 That's been left in the winters cold

 The sun love slowly melts the icicles

 Around my heart

People say my poems are trashy

 That my darkness depresses them

 What do they know?

 Living in the light love enjoying life.

 Not all of us are there

 Some of us are trapped

 In the eternal darkness

 Where the sun never shines

 Where there is no light

 No hope no escape

I cry rivers but no one sees

 It feels like I have been crying

 For eternity

 I have been in the darkness

 As long as I can remember

 I have always been bullied

 The laughingstock

 The one the other kids picked at beated

 And the bullying and abuse continued as I became teenager and later adult.

 I never fit in, I am odd, Strange, Aloof, I am ill

 All of the above seem to be enough to be tormented by others

 But I have had enough

 No more will I be bullied into silence

 No more will I be betrayed

 Dumped like garbage

 No more will others cause me to suffer

I see no reason to carry on

 As the pain aches within my soul

 I take the knife slashes my wrists

 The blood flows through my wrist and lay down in a pool of my own blood and tears.

Waiting for death to come

 Waiting for the peace I never I got in life

 My life is running out

 No more pain

 No more suffering

 The soul flies up ready to leave

 Body becoming still

The Goddess watches me.

 She takes me in Her arms

 Instead of taking my life as I expected

 She pushes the soul back into my body

 She cradles me as cough up some blood

 My heartbeat gets steady

 I am breathing

 I am crying in her arms as The Goddess speaks

 You can lay down to die

 And you won't be forced to suffer

 Cry these endless nights

 Or you can get up walk with me

 And I will help you

 Take care of you.

 It will be harsh days as well as bright ones

 There is so much for you to experience

 There are still seeds of possibilities in you my dear child.

 As long as you live they will struggle to be born.

 It is all up to my dear girl

 It just hurts so bad to be alone all the time

 People betraying me leaving me

 I have been so abused bullied all my life

 Not the last 5 years.

 No the worst was 10-20 years ago

 I can't forgive and forget

 I can't get over it.

 People thinks should be over it by now

I know you been left out and betrayed

 I will care for you. Tell me everything I am always around. I am closer to you than your own breath.

 Okay thank you, my lady

 I will give life another chance

With The Lady’s help encouragement

I got the strength I need to get on with my life

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