My journey with The Goddess

Lessons in life

There are many life lessons

To be strong

Don’t let others step on you put you down.

Deal with issues

Deal with conflicts without flee or attack others.

Learn to trust in Her

The Gods helps those that helps themselves

And there also that about stop listening to ego

Be humble patient giving

No matter how people treat you

Is the worst

There is no justice in this world

People harm you and one can’t do a shit about it.

They say it is wrong to crave for revenge

To crave hexing cursing those that harmed you the most.

But what was done to me was wrong as well.

Don’t worry I haven’t done more then

Begging The Dark Lady to grant me justice.

Protection and banishing spell.

I am allowed to protect myself and mine.

 

Challenges

To face your fears

Embrace your shadow self

Force yourself to do what needs to be done

Too get better.

See opportunities abilities

Using it wisely

Use yoga, mindfulness, dbt

To ease anxiety panic depression

Some days which becomes weeks I have trouble getting out of bed.

I usually just sit on the couch all day

To do things, simple things like taking a walk

Do yoga, paint or draw, meditate

Require more energy and willpower I have

Which makes me so upset that my life is running away

I get more and more anxiety, panic anxiety which

Make my heart and soul so sad

Which makes me even more depressed, Suicidal.

It is awful that life is just passing by.

It is so harsh for me to live like this

I cry, I plead, I beg The Great Lady

To help me. To comforts me

She gives me strength to live another day

To do what needs to be done

The Goddess walks beside me

Encourages and strengthens me

I have to walk this path

Path of healing

Addiction

I am addicted to fatty food like waffles, pancakes pizza, fries, and snacks. But the worst is my sugar addiction, I love sweets, chocolate, cookies and coca cola.

I have surrendered it to the Lady

I am powerless over my addiction.

I like the thought of surrender give the addictions, illnesses troubles to the Goddess/God. I understand that I still need to do the work

Abstain from the stuff I crave

Eat healthy and exercise

But it feels great that I am not alone in this

That the Goddesses is with me every step of the way.

Often I can’t think about anything else then eating, and can’t help going to store buy some crap I binge on.

I hate my face

My fat body

I am ugly, disgusting. The picture I usually show others shows me weight 50 lbs less then what I do now.

I hate having to get these big clothes, in big sizes.

I hate that nothing fits in regular stores.

It doesn’t matter if the big clothes are just as nice as the small ones. Cause only want the small clothes.

I want to be fit. Get in shape. Be free of my addictions

Karma

I see Karma as punishments

Because you will pay all that you done in the past

Past lives. I believe most of my suffering comes from that. It feels unfair but it is probably not in the universal eyes.

Life lessons and do it again do better is the same thing just a kinder way to look at karma.

For years I was so anxious so panicky

So hysterical, depressed

Cause of the karma lessons I have to endure

I am anxious about what will happen to me

In the future.

I have nightmares

I am just so scared at times

Anxious so panicky

I am so ashamed

Fear being rejected laughed at mocked

I wouldn’t been able to handle it if The Goddess

Was mocking me.

Even if I may deserve it as I seem to

Only deserve misery in this life

The Goddess grants me strength and courage

She helps me to endure all karma lessons

Life lessons, all challenges.

I am so scared of what’s in the store for me

I am scared of doing what’s good for me

Like yoga, art magic

I fear the gods of karma will smite me then.

If I will be happy, satisfied

Feel joy enjoy life

Everything seem to be destroyed around me.

I cling on The Goddess

Trusting in Her powers, Her grace, Her mercy

To provide for me.

Taking a deep breath focusing on Her

Feeling presence don’t let my anxiety fears

Take over.

I have surrendered my illness, my addictions

To The Goddess.

I try to do what I need to do every day.

The Great Queen wants what’s best for me.

She wants me to become the best me

Overcome my obstacles

Don’t let fears, my troubles rule me!

She doesn’t want my anxiety panic anxiety hysteria

To control me!

When I focus on Her like that I feel better.

It is when I get lost in my fears, thoughts about karma

My issues that I freak out. I runaway and hide

In my shame and fear pleading for mercy

Which I won’t get and hate myself for being such a nervous wreak

There are loads of self-loath, self-hate contempt in me. There is also psychological demons in my mind that ruins everything, destroys me. It want to make me think its words are from the Goddess, but it isn’t. I know The Great Queen can be harsh and demanding

But She isn’t a bully, or cruel, torturing me with cruel images, voices.

It only makes me more anxious more panicky hysterical

I won’t be able to fulfil my vow to Her and channel Her during such duress. I hope I will get more stable more balanced so I can honour Her with channelling Her. Let Her speak through me.

The Great Goddess is very patient with me.

She is both harsh and loving

Nurturing as well as demanding.

I love Her so much I am so grateful that she wants me

Wants a nervous wreck like me be her devotee.

But I am sure She sees some worth in me that I and others don’t

I was strong and healthy earlier.

I could be that again

I have been able to channel Her several years ago

I did it regularly.

I may be able to do that again

I just need to regain stability, balance in my life

Which I can achieve with doing yoga, using dbt every day.

I have my art as well, I use it both as therapy healing and a way to honour the gods.

My poetry shows what low weak nervous wreak I am

I am not worthy to be a pagan, a follower of the Goddess in many people’s eyes I can imagine.

I shouldn’t plead or beg at all

I am a shame in other people’s eyes

I should face my issues, illness challenges with a smile.

I shouldn’t surrender myself, my addiction illness put my life in Her hands.

I am a disgrace in other people’s eyes

I asked The Great Queen once if She thought badly about me cause of all this.

If I was a disgrace in Her eyes for not being strong on my own. Where my pleading sometimes are more similar to Christians submissive begging to Christ than pagans more self-confident prayers chants to their gods.

So do you. She said with a smile

I can’t do it another way. I am too hysterical, I cry

So anxious so panicky, out of control

The only thing the makes me function is that I surrender to You.

Humans turns to their gods in desperate times.

As long as you understand you still need to do the work

I won’t do it for you, neither would Christ do it for his devotees either.

If it makes you better to give your woes to me, what’s the harm?

How can you be sure I don’t help you?

That I don’t want you to surrender to me, surrender your addictions, your illness, issues to me?

I don’t know that, but I do like the idea of You helping me even if some prayers I use are Christian, I just say Goddess instead of God. I just don’t know how to change the wording because I find need the help like it is asked for in the prayers.

I am sorry I should go I shouldn’t bother you my Lady.

That is your fear talking, child.

If I didn’t like your prayers, your surrender, your way of approaching me I would have told you. And it is only a few prayers that are like that. I don’t mind it is your hearts sincerity that is the important thing. And that you do the stuff that needs to be dome to make it possible. If you don’t do the stuff nothing will ever change.

I am here for you. You are mine

And I don’t want to share you with Jesus if it is not necessary.

I have others I already share with him.

I have felt at times that I wanted you both when he suggest stuff, but I am not likely to follow. I like it this way that he has no power over me.

The Goddess chuckles.

I do feel that I sometimes yearn back to him. It was simpler

In a way. But it’s not him really, more like m.y fantasy of him from the past the great saviour, knight in shining armour

As long as he doesn’t boss the damsel around yes. If he would make demands you would flee. And you have Lugh so you have no need for Jesus.

No I don’t. I get a bit obsessive want what my Christian friends have then to realise I already have it with you.

 I am a twisted weird person. I am so sorry my Lady.

If I make anyone uncomfortable with my writings I am sorry.

Will you stop beating yourself up, girl?