Acceptance
One of the hardest thing in my is to accept
Accept that I may never be able to be a great famous
painter artist fantasy artist
Accept what I can achieve
Accept that I do get better with practise and what
make your fire within burn with passion is worth everything.
Accept that those feelings the release and euphoria
I feel when I do art is the true worth of my art
Not the world’s recognition, fame.
Passion
Art is my passion
To do art be creative is to live
Art is my release and escape
I need to escape
Escape from the cruel reality from this horrible world
at times.
I honor her with my art my poetry my paintings
Art is also healing
Gettoing out all the old
Traumas the negatibvity pain suffering
Release the emotiona
Takwe a pen a brusgh and start doing it
Let the heaking begin
Cats
I live with my cats
The kitties are wonderful
Getting them stuff see them play
Pet them, play with them
Makes me feel good inside,
Less alone.
It makes me feel that I do matter
A reason to get up in the morning
I am needed and loved
And they are also a very effective anti-suicide beings
Cause no matter how deep I fall, how bad I feel
I could never take my life and abandonen them
Be what I dispise.
A looser who abandons their pets.
Never.
It is very painful to live at times
I cry and hold my kitties on the couch.
Try to write or paint something afterwards
My cats are my babies, my family.
I do have a mum and sister and few friends as well.
Although I love them and they me
They could handle it without me
Sometimes I feel that they all would be better off
without me
I even feel that the goddess would be better off
without me
That’s blasphemy because u don’t know what she feels
and shouldn’t put the words in her mouth!
But I do know that she wouldn’t had chosen me.
If I wasn’t worthy
She knows my strife she knows what’s in my heart
Misfortune
The Goddess is my life and love
I love to do art and write poetry in her honour
I love to meditate to rituals to connect with her.
I wish I was better stronger healthier
So I could honour Her better.
But She choose me wanted me for a reason
So I should keep in mind that she is pleased
with my honest heartfelt actions.
I used to believe that The Gods would make my dreams
come true
That I would be happy and successful
Such a fool I was
I am sure they had fun laughing at me
Stupid girl who thinks she will get anywhere in life
Stupid fool who thinks that she would get any kind of success
Any kind of happiness, no matter how hard she struggle.
At the same time I find it hard that The Goddesses I
love so much
Whom I follow and are devoted too.
Would be so cruel and destroy everything for me.
Destroy my life.
I haven’t done anything to deserve that
or any other of the shit that happens in my life.
I need more spiritual discipline
I hate myself for admitting it
But I feel much better
When I meditate and do yoga 3 hours a day every day.
I think it has
something to do my anxiety issues.
I need hours to
relax my body soul and mind to function.
The first years I felt that The Goddess and God
were very strict and demanding.
I would never dare to disobey.
It was good to know what was expected of me.
My obedient days ended when my life didn’t turn out as
I wished
Life is cruel and very unfair.
Dreams got smashed hopes squashed
After the disasters and my illness got worse an d
worse
I ran away a couple of times
I couldn’t handle the reality
I couldn’t understand why The Gods Goddesses
I adored loved and worship didn’t grant me what I
wanted in life.
I felt that stuff usually worked out for others
They got happy reached success.
I am happy for them.
I just wish that I was one of the lucky ones.
That I accomplished my goals.
That I wasn’t always this pathetic loser.
At times I still find it hard to grasp.
But I have no illusions anymore
No more dreams or hopes of a better future.
No more dreams or fantasies that The Gods will fix
everything
Grant me joy and happiness.
I have given up.
I used to find it too harsh to channel do anything She
demanded
While my life was still a disaster, nothing ever got
better.
If I was miserable, was ill, had much misfortune.
Because I felt if She want me to surrender that much
let you take over,
Use me as you
wish.
My life should be endless of joy and happiness.
I should have success in life achieve my goals and
dreams.
Of course none of that happened
I was just a fool too imagine that just cause I do channelling,
healing.
I would get a
better life. It is really sad that one expects to serve
But life doesn’t
change and no one cares enough
To grant me success, help me achieve my goals.
It is not like I didn’t do all I could to get there,
Make my dreams come through. But no art career,
No creative
job, no fun job at all
I still live in
a ghetto area.
My anxiety panic attacks just get worse so does my
depression.
It is so hard to live in this world
I am so desperate now.
That I would do anything
The Goddess would ask of me
Just get through this overwhelming darkness
This misery that is my fate.
I was so scared.
I run back to grovel at Her feet
Beg her for forgiveness
Vowed to do anything for Her
If she would just help me survive.
I had to deal with all the strife issues
I wasn’t able to deal with before.
It is better now,
Now that I am walking with The Goddesses
I still find it hard to accept my life as it is
I find it hard to do anything at all.
It is just so useless for me to live like this.
But I do my best to get out get some exercise
Since I want to lose weight
I want to be able to bike and hike for hours as
I used to several years ago. That’s my goal.
I was so happy felt so free.
Had no physically issues that made me depressed.
I am learning to live with that I can still paint and
draw
And settle for putting it on internet galleries.
I am grateful that I was welcomed back
Into The Goddesses arms.
If any of them were pissed or disappointed at my behaviour
For running away a lot?
Not willing to do the work the service that is
requested of me?
I don’t know, all I know is that had a very submissive
grovelling
Attitude until I felt safe.
When I got over the fears
I felt Their embrace and heard the words that they
missed me
Was happy that I was back.
I am wiser
And accept that I need to do some stuff
Like yoga, art, dbt exercise for my art.
For my health.
Rituals, channelling and healing work
To serve The Goddesses as their
Witch and priestess.
I am embracing my life purpose
Try to see light where is light
See that all in my life is not darkness and despair.
Like a few days ago I heard of a place where
I could exercise do yoga and dance
Which are for others like me with
Mental illness- anxiety depression
It feels safe, I can do it in my pace.
Don’t have to fear being judged, doomed
Ridiculed there.
At times I have such Bad luck
It is so unfair.
At times it feels like I am wrapped in the darkness
I can’t escape the blackness
It is compact enveloping me pouring in me
It feels like I am doomed
Born under a bad sign
I tried to deflect the bad luck with magic
But not much luck.
Always get the shortest straw in life
Have to settle for crumbles while others get the whole
cake
Makes me feel very sad, depressed and anxious and
frightened
Will it ever get better?
Will it get worse?
I have often felt that I must have pissed off some
gods
To have it like this.
It feels like I don’t deserve to be happy
That if I would be happy and satisfied more
Then shorter
times I would be smothered.
I try to remember and see the blessings from The
Goddess
the positive things that are happening to me
Like the gym, my ability to actually change
My life to the better
Like doing what needs to be done as I stated above
The ability to do it is a blessing.
My life isn’t over
I am not doomed
I will keep struggle
Face my fear issues
Have faith, serve The Goddesses
Be loyal and do what needs to be done.
It seems like I repeat myself a lot
It seems like I write the same or similar stuff
Over and over.
Sorry about that. Not my meaning
To bore you.
I just have so many thoughts, feelings
That needs to get out.
I have emptied
myself for now
Time to get back to get back to my painting.
Gratitude
I am grateful for making it through all challenges and
despair
I am grateful That The Goddess grants me courage,
strength
Inspiration and endurance.
I am grateful for having a healthy body.
I am grateful to have my darling kitties
My family and friends.
I am grateful for my art, my abilities to do art
Be creative, painting drawing sculpt
Even if I am not so very good at it,
I can do some and it is important to me.
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